Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize