If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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