Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
