My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
