yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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