your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
