I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
