Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
