Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
