I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
