He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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