kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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