well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
