You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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