The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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