that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
