i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
