So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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