he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
im having a threesome with these popsicles
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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