I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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