Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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