I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
