K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i love accidental penises.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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