The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
