We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
