we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
