thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I touched a dick in church today
Two words: nipple clamps
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