I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize