I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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