Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
