There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
