Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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