i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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