About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize