She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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