I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
