He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
