He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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