I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
