if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
