On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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