lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize