i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
