The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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