Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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