the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
