My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
