remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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