i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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