I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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