Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
