She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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