I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
