Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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