Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
