I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize