ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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