actually, I'm a sock model
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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