He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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