I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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