Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
