He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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